if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
