I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
