hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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