I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
