Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
