Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
