I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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