the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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