omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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