he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
