Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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