So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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