my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
