Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
