Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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