I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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