The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
