just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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