I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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