Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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