Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
