You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
