Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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