My nipple is on Facebook.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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