It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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