I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We left the knife in your bed.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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