My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
