woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize