I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
