So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
