I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
