I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
