: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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