I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Bring me that man meat
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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