Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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