Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
