the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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