I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
