I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
