Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
