She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize