I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
