New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
