Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
