My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
