If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
