you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize