I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
