The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
