I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
i now understand why vodka
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