I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize