I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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