I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
