I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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