We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
