my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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