when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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