We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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