Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
