his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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