i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize