i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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