Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
