i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize