I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
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